After Dealing with Death, Focusing on Living

If you're a regular reader of this blog, I'm sure by now you noticed a shocking lack of personal blogging. It's mostly shocking because I vowed to do more personal writing and less pr related stuff. But for those that don't know, the diagnosis of niece with Trisomy 18 and then having to deal with her death a few months later put a snag in that plan.

After Dealing with Death, Focusing on Living

Truth be told dealing with death took me to a quite place, A place I didn't want to share with anyone.

I know many bloggers share their every moment with their readers. The good and the bad. Sorry but I'm not one of them. Besides it wasn't my story to tell. It was my sisters. I had to respect her rules of what to share and when.

But also, I think most readers of this blog have a disconnect with me on a personal level. It's not a bad thing. Just the reality of this blog. I didn't feel I could share where I was in that dark place on this blog. How could I? Where would it fit?

I doubt a pr person would want their post highlighting their clients amazing event or new product followed by my posts of death dealing and mourning. That's reality of business. Pr people work with me on this blog for connecting with my readers to highlight their clients. Unless they're clients are in the death business, it's probably not a good idea to post about how I've been feeling these past few weeks.

But ironically in the middle of my mourning, not only did I have to deal with PR but also the blogging community. About 5 thousand members. The BlogHer 12 conference happened soon after my nieces funeral.

My first reaction was to not go. But I paid hard earned money to attend. Plus the President Obama was going to address the conference via a live feed. Did I really want to miss that?!

I also figured that the conference would be so big, with so much happening that I would be loss in the masses. A hello there, a smile here and I could blend into the background. Wishful thinking. From the first day to the last I was surrounding by circles of people I knew.

Everyday, I had to smile and make small talk. Everyday I didn't feel like it and wished people would leave me alone. But if they couldn't, then I wish they'd allow me to sit alone quietly. Wasn't happening. If anything many people took offense to me not wanting to socialize more.

I saw the looks, when I gave a nod instead of a hug in greeting. When I didn't sit at the same table. When I left events right away instead of staying and mingling. One person even became upset when I mistakenly referred to her by a different name. I wanted to say to her there's alot on my mind, can you give me a damn break. I would hope she'd understand.

I would hope any of those people would understand since they all knew I had a recent death in my family. But since I don't wear it on my sleeve or blog about it everyday maybe it's a passing memory to them. The blogging world can be like that. We get so much information everyday that people need to constantly remind us what going on in their lives. I chose not to and had to deal with people who either forgot or felt their social needs override my mourning ones.

By the end of the conference dealing with the living was harder then dealing with a death. Truly. The past few weeks I've gone back to my quiet place, only coming out when I have to. Slowly, slowly I've been staying out long and longer. Projects still need to be completed, events to be covered and blogging to be done.

Life goes on and I need to also.

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